I think I just experienced love at some of its finest. And once I explain the circumstances you might be surprised that I write that. You see, I was just confronted by my boss at work about coming in late to work or leaving earlier than scheduled. It's a pretty casual work environment, and to my shame I had been taking somewhat of an advantage of the situation at times. And it is amazing all the subconscious ways I've justified it along the way. But I won't get into that.
My boss could not have been more caring, more loving, than to bring to light what needed to change in me. It was such a picture of how true love is not willing to let the beloved stay stagnant for the sake of making that person "comfortable". God loves us far too fiercely to be overconcerned with our comfort. And the thing that is SO beautiful about this particular situation with my boss is that I think I had secretly wanted accountability but was too scared and ashamed to ask for it. Because let's face it, no one enjoys admitting that they've been a slacker, even in the secret depths of their hearts.
What is more is that this theme of "scraping by" goes really deep for me, straight to the core. I have always been pretty good at a lot of different things, and some things I've truly excelled at without much effort on my part. I can honestly say that I can't think of anything I've ever given my total commitment to, because I've gotten by just fine giving less than 100%. And do you know what I loath more about myself than anything? THAT attitude. And I've NEVER known how to get out of it because it has been so habitually ingrained in me. Sometimes I feel like an invisible giant hand is holding me down, keeping from reaching to the height I'm capable of.
Now what in the world does this post have to do with battling against depression? Here's the connection. One of the classic symptoms of depression is a heightened sense of self loathing and self deprecation. And if you are like me, I take it one step further and project onto God those same feelings I have about myself. If I hate me so much than God must hate me even more.
But this could not be farther from the truth. The truth is that "there is now NO condemnation in Christ". The truth is that the Lord Christ is not surprised at the depth of our depravity. He is not shocked at our complacency and indifference. Yet, because He loves us so recklessly, he is not satisfied with letting us stay in our hopeless situation, and that is where accountability and confrontation step in.
Part of the battle with depression is feeling like nothing is ever going to change for the better. It is an inability to see through the murk and fog of those present emotions. Sometimes it takes a jolt of conviction or loving confrontation to remind us that God claims "all her debts are cast on me and she must and shall go free". That is pretty demanding language. And it takes being confronted with our downfalls and gaps in virtue to be able to see any real change in our lives.
Godly conviction, whether it be through prayer, or relationships, or other insights, will surely break your heart. But it should never break your spirit. Conviction doesn't necessarily feel good, but there is hope in it. There is hope of freedom. There is hope of change for the better.
Worldy conviction, or condemnation, is about guilt, about shame, about the futility of our thinking. There is not an ounce of hope, only mudslinging at our souls.
If you are feeling a direct attack at the very core of who you are, this is not God. This is Satan trying to keep you from the freedom that is obtained when a person can take an honest look at their actions and attitudes and realize that things must change, but that they are loved.
If you are feeling sorrowful over a lack of integrity in your life, is that not a Holy sorrow? A Holy sorrow holds out the invitation from God that says," Yes, you are lacking in this area, but it has nothing to do with how much I love you. In fact, BECAUSE I love you, I want to give you everything you need to be equipped to grow in this area".
Condemnation ties us down with unnecessary guilt. Conviction gives us a lifeline of hope that lifts us out of the places where we feel stuck.
If you struggle with self loathing, remember this is not coming from God. He is not turning his nose down at you. He is crazy about you. Ask Him to give you the ability to see past your limitations to see His strong hand that is able to guide you up and out.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Friday, September 12, 2008
Theater of the Absurd
So I was watching Fox last night and saw the most ridiculous show called Hole in the Wall. It is basically like Human Tetris where you have to make your body in the shape of whatever cutout is coming towards you in the form of a moving wall. And if you don't make the shape in time or correctly, you are pushed into the water by the moving wall. I felt a little bit of my brain ooze out of my ear as I was watching this. It was SO stupid that I began to think of the level of absurdity and artificiality we have come to in our culture. For most of us, OUR reality has increasingly become defined by WATCHING what tv execs package as "reality" television. And it is so easy to get sucked into articles written about Lindsay Lohan's hair extentions, and THEN get sucked into reading a blog that is commenting on the article, etc. etc.
Why would I be writing about such absurdities? Because they depress me. And I have a hunch that this meaningless crap is part of the source of depression for many though they don't see it as such. The more and more I isolate myself with different sources of media and superficial exploits that are supposedly sources of relaxation and entertainment, the more unsettled I feel.
Last week I went backwoods camping in the Rockies with three girlfriends while my hubbs was out of town. We had no cell phone access, and hiked about 30 miles in 4 days. Now I know that camping is not up everyone's alley, but I can't tell you what it did for my psyche. I spent some time sitting above a lake at about 11,000 feet reading and praying a little. I felt so small, so simple, and was able to find more meaning just by BREATHING up there, than I ever do at home. And its not just about "getting back to nature". For me it's nature that reminds me that God is so much bigger than all my worries, cravings, and needs. And that if I want to find any semblence of meaning, and consequently-peace-I might want to seek out the God that created a sky that is so blue it hurts my eyes when I gaze at it.
There was also something to pushing my body and mind to the extreme out there. I have a theory that part of the prevelence of depression and anxiety lies with our demand for comfort above all else. When did we get the idea that ease and laziness ever made any of us happy? We are so ingrained that being comfortable is the best thing for us that we cease to grow as people, and therefore grow stagnant in every area. We forget that service to God, and to others, is what can reinvigorate us and lift our spirits. We forget that sweating, creating, trying something new, being willing to take risks and fighting against the status quo will make us feel more rested than if we had laid on the couch watching Hole in the Wall and eating Ben and Jerry's .
What gives me peace and comfort that I don't necessarily live in the most ridiculous age of men, is that people have been feeling this way throughout history. Solomon writes of the apparent meaninglessness of life in Ecclesiastes....
1:10
I denied myself nothing my eyes desired; I refused my heart no pleasure. My heart took delight in all my work, and this was the reward for all my labor. Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done and what I had toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind; nothing was gained under the sun.
I hope that many different types of people will somehow find this blog, and that this becomes a place where we can openly dialogue about what gives life true meaning. I have come to find that God, specifically Christ, is the only source of meaning in my life. I constantly sway from this, trying to substitute this only source of true and lasting satisfaction for much less satisfying things. I know that some people hear the word God, Jesus, Christ, etc. and immediately think of religiosity, or a set of rules. But I am talking about a person, a spirit, a very real and tangible presence, not religion. And if you read this and question the possibility that such an encounter could be real, what is stopping you from seeking it out and testing it for yourself? If God is real and personal, then if you seek Him, wouldn't you inevidably find Him?
Just food for thought.
P.S. Here is a quote from a great book I am reading right now. It both simultaneously cracked me up and sobered me. The book is called "The Divine Conspiracy" by Dallas Willard.
"And just think of a world in which little children sing, 'I wish I were an oscar myer weiner. That is what I really want to be. For if I were an Oscar Myer Weiner, everyone would be in love with me' Think of what it would mean to BE a weenie, or for someone to love you as they "love" a hot dog. Think of a world in which adults would pay millions of dollars to have children perform this song in "commercials" and in which hundreds of millions, even billions, of adults find no problem in it. You are thinking of OUR world. If you are willing to be a weenie to be loved, what else would you be willing to do?"
Why would I be writing about such absurdities? Because they depress me. And I have a hunch that this meaningless crap is part of the source of depression for many though they don't see it as such. The more and more I isolate myself with different sources of media and superficial exploits that are supposedly sources of relaxation and entertainment, the more unsettled I feel.
Last week I went backwoods camping in the Rockies with three girlfriends while my hubbs was out of town. We had no cell phone access, and hiked about 30 miles in 4 days. Now I know that camping is not up everyone's alley, but I can't tell you what it did for my psyche. I spent some time sitting above a lake at about 11,000 feet reading and praying a little. I felt so small, so simple, and was able to find more meaning just by BREATHING up there, than I ever do at home. And its not just about "getting back to nature". For me it's nature that reminds me that God is so much bigger than all my worries, cravings, and needs. And that if I want to find any semblence of meaning, and consequently-peace-I might want to seek out the God that created a sky that is so blue it hurts my eyes when I gaze at it.
There was also something to pushing my body and mind to the extreme out there. I have a theory that part of the prevelence of depression and anxiety lies with our demand for comfort above all else. When did we get the idea that ease and laziness ever made any of us happy? We are so ingrained that being comfortable is the best thing for us that we cease to grow as people, and therefore grow stagnant in every area. We forget that service to God, and to others, is what can reinvigorate us and lift our spirits. We forget that sweating, creating, trying something new, being willing to take risks and fighting against the status quo will make us feel more rested than if we had laid on the couch watching Hole in the Wall and eating Ben and Jerry's .
What gives me peace and comfort that I don't necessarily live in the most ridiculous age of men, is that people have been feeling this way throughout history. Solomon writes of the apparent meaninglessness of life in Ecclesiastes....
1:10
I denied myself nothing my eyes desired; I refused my heart no pleasure. My heart took delight in all my work, and this was the reward for all my labor. Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done and what I had toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind; nothing was gained under the sun.
I hope that many different types of people will somehow find this blog, and that this becomes a place where we can openly dialogue about what gives life true meaning. I have come to find that God, specifically Christ, is the only source of meaning in my life. I constantly sway from this, trying to substitute this only source of true and lasting satisfaction for much less satisfying things. I know that some people hear the word God, Jesus, Christ, etc. and immediately think of religiosity, or a set of rules. But I am talking about a person, a spirit, a very real and tangible presence, not religion. And if you read this and question the possibility that such an encounter could be real, what is stopping you from seeking it out and testing it for yourself? If God is real and personal, then if you seek Him, wouldn't you inevidably find Him?
Just food for thought.
P.S. Here is a quote from a great book I am reading right now. It both simultaneously cracked me up and sobered me. The book is called "The Divine Conspiracy" by Dallas Willard.
"And just think of a world in which little children sing, 'I wish I were an oscar myer weiner. That is what I really want to be. For if I were an Oscar Myer Weiner, everyone would be in love with me' Think of what it would mean to BE a weenie, or for someone to love you as they "love" a hot dog. Think of a world in which adults would pay millions of dollars to have children perform this song in "commercials" and in which hundreds of millions, even billions, of adults find no problem in it. You are thinking of OUR world. If you are willing to be a weenie to be loved, what else would you be willing to do?"
Monday, September 1, 2008
Welcome Friends and Hopefully Strangers
I love many things, and one of them happens to be writing. I've been thinking about sharing some musings with the world for a while and finally summoned the courage. I tend to think of myself as a keen observer of life, in its small and large moments, so some of those I will share here. But one of the things I want to utilize this blog for the most is to share a more intimate side of my life as it pertains to an ongoing journey through clinical depression-specifically how it relates to my faith walk with God. I want to offer my journey up for the sake of others who silently struggle with the hidden guilt, shame, and stigma that is compounded when faced with the challenges of faith amidst that "dark cloud" that is so pervasive for so many. I would also hope that discussions would arise to generally include all areas of stuggling through the faith journey, wherever the reader might find themselves on that path.
I also hope that this blog would become a permanent fixture for the crazy stories that seem to come my way in various sundry forms. I know I love to tell them, and I've been under the (deluded?) impression that people like to hear them. I hope that they counter what might seem like a dark general subject.
Most people who don't me on the deepest level are surprised to know that I have battled with depression since I was a kid, simply because I tend to be "the life of the party" kind of gal. My husband is convinced that my day has not been made complete if I have not had a hearty bellylaugh. And I actually do make sure I have a truly laughable moment every day. So I will try and include something hilarious, albeit possibly only to me, in every post. My husband's favorite thing to say to me seems to be, "Honey, I'm so glad you think you're funny".
Lastly, I don't plan on editing this in the least. I tend to find that colorful language is sometimes the most therapeutic and appropriate depending on the situation. Feel free to disagree, just be forewarned.
Blessings to all and happy reading.......
I also hope that this blog would become a permanent fixture for the crazy stories that seem to come my way in various sundry forms. I know I love to tell them, and I've been under the (deluded?) impression that people like to hear them. I hope that they counter what might seem like a dark general subject.
Most people who don't me on the deepest level are surprised to know that I have battled with depression since I was a kid, simply because I tend to be "the life of the party" kind of gal. My husband is convinced that my day has not been made complete if I have not had a hearty bellylaugh. And I actually do make sure I have a truly laughable moment every day. So I will try and include something hilarious, albeit possibly only to me, in every post. My husband's favorite thing to say to me seems to be, "Honey, I'm so glad you think you're funny".
Lastly, I don't plan on editing this in the least. I tend to find that colorful language is sometimes the most therapeutic and appropriate depending on the situation. Feel free to disagree, just be forewarned.
Blessings to all and happy reading.......
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